Glad tidings Bitches!
It’s been a long, loooooonnnnnnnnng time since I touched base with you, so it’s great to be back.
Here’s what’s been happening:
So, we got up to Chapter Five in the series and then it all went quiet. Why? As I was sending the book proposal out to agents I was advised that it perhaps wasn’t such a great idea to be giving out for free on the internet the thing that I was trying to sell to agents and eventually publishers. That, I think was quite reasonable advice. So, down came the free book while it was chewed over by people in the industry to see whether it was meat that could be served up to the public at large. This journey goes on.
Writing and re-writing the book, however, has been one of the most significant experiences of my life – in fact, as life-changing as the events that you’ve already read about up to Chapter Five. It has taught me so much about myself, so much about why I did the things I did, why I live my life the way I do now, and what it means to be a gay man in the world today. But importantly, it has highlighted to me the immeasurable amount of suffering and psychological harm done to me by the men I have already described so far in the book: men who should have known better than to become sexually involved with a child, men who committed crimes by doing so. I spent twenty years blaming myself for everything that happened. I was an accomplice to all those sexual encounters, an architect of them, in fact. But the truth is, I was a sexually frustrated, precocious minor, and these were adults who made the choice to engage with me. That, I can now see, is the biggest transgression that any adult can make in their relations with young people, with children. Whether the encounter was one I sought out or not, they were wrong to comply. To see it otherwise would be to condone it, and for the sake of our children, that is not something we should ever allow to happen. And all those years of blaming myself for my stupidity, my gullibility, my over-attachment to those adult men, for having failed to meet their needs, for simply walking out the door to go and meet them, allowed them in my mind to be innocent of any wrong-doing. Do you see what that cycle of thinking does? It instils a hatred of oneself that has no place in a young person’s mind while the adults, those who should have known better, walk away scot-free. That, in itself, is abuse.
Now, when I sit down to edit ‘Fairytale’, I am left with an overwhelming sense of wishing I could protect that 14 year old Tristan. Memories of those events, of washing myself before walking into those men’s company, are inescapable, more so now since writing the book. And all I want to do is stop him. To protect him. To save him from physical and emotional situations he was nowhere near being able to deal with. That was the care that those men never showed me, care that as adults we are duty bound to show to our young people, and the people who do not should be punished. It should never be tolerated or swept under the table, or twisted around to apportion the blame onto the shoulders of our children.
So that’s what I have learned.
Now, although the journey is not over, I want to thank everyone who has been following the story this far, and all the friends that feature in the book who have been supportive, and everyone who has engaged with ‘Fairytale’ in any way. Any reaction to one’s work, be it negative or praise, means the author is doing something right. Which brings me onto what’s happening now in Tristanland.
Discontent in having to sit around while other people assess my writing’s commercial viability, and not quite emotionally strong enough to keep reliving the past through forging through the rest of my story, I’ve taken the downtime to work on other projects, and I’m thrilled to say, THERE’S NEW STUFF ON THE WAY!
Soon, I will be releasing a short collection of poetry on wattpad.com followed by a Spoken Word album next year, under my poetry pseudonym, KAMIKAWA. KAMIKAWA, in its original Japanese, means ‘River of the Gods’. I’ve adopted this word because it sums up perfectly my own life, if not everybody’s lives. We are the river, and we move down the channels that were carved out for us by time, by circumstance, by the unknowable (Gods). The current is inescapable. What we flow through is inescapable, undetermined by our own will, what is is what is.
AND YET! As water, we can put out fire. When water is trapped it builds up strength and is powerful enough to break through stone, and it is the very stuff of life itself.
SO, COMING SOON: ‘FRAKKNUCKLE’ by KAMIKAWA (‘frak’ is the BSG substitute for the f-word, and I’ll let you work out what a ‘frak’-knuckle is!)
HAPPY BONFIRE NIGHT, BITCHES! LOVE YA AND SEE YA SOON!!!